Monday, February 8, 2010

A lesson learned

Once upon a time, not too long ago.  I didn't like my husband.  I know,  shocker, what kind of wife would actually admit to that?  And, for KT, who I know is reading this, it was like 6 years ago, and I'm past that now,  so just keep reading...He used to come home so crabby from work.  He was so short tempered with me and the kids.  I was resentful because everyone else got the better part of him, I felt like we just got the left overs.  We weren't really even friendly to each other, and I began to distance myself.  I was too stubborn to leave him and say, "I give up!", that's the Swede in me, but something had to be done.  So, I decided that I wasn't going to live with this situation anymore.  I decided that I wasn't going to live the rest of my life unhappy.  I made the decision to change me.  Now there are some things that I know for a fact I could not come back from; abuse, infidelity and pornography.  KT you have been warned...

When I was little and had trouble with a friend, my mother would always say to me "Kill them with kindness." So, that is what I vowed to do with my husband.  When he would come home grouchy and mouthy, I would throw my arms around him and tell him I loved him.  I touched him more, thanked him, praised him.  When he was engrossed in sports and ignoring me instead of feeling resentful, I would sit on his lap and kiss him and just cuddle.  In the beginning, I did not want to do this.  I felt like I was a traitor to my feelings, and couldn't he see he should be doing this for me?  It was interesting how receptive he was to me, and how he began to change.  My feelings began to change, too.  I no longer disliked him, I actually loved him again.  I rediscovered my best friend.  Then I began to realize that maybe it wasn't him at all!  Maybe he was reacting to me and my withdrawal of affection.  DING, DING, DING!  I had been a major biatch!

I am grateful for a marriage that could withstand my bitchiness and for a loving Heavenly Father pointing me in the right direction.  I share this because, I hear of so many marriages breaking up these days...friends that had good marriages or what seemed that way to me.  KT has friends at work who are just walking away from 20 years of marriage.  I weep for these people and think they should just try to follow my mommy's advice and  "Kill each other with kindness"...

It worked for me!


  1. What you did reflects a lot of the marriage advice I have read. It's good to know that it works. I think, it goes to show that you were dealing with a healthy, normal, non-abusive husband to begin with.
    This is a really good post. I bet that what you did, "changing yourself" would really help a lot of marriages, and probably relationships in general!

  2. Lisa, I love this! I can honestly say that this SAME situation happened in my life and until some smart person or article told me to change "me" I was miserable! It really does help when we focus on how "we" are acting and giving to the marriage and NOT what they are. It truly does work! Thanks for reminding me!

    Angie Batis

  3. We are starting a series at church about staying in love. The pastor talks about this kind of thing. Love is a verb, not a noun.

  4. This is excellent advice. I do have to say, Adam and I have a very good relationship. We've been lucky.

  5. Oh, this is amazing! I really love hearing inspirational stories like this from couples who have been together for a while, it makes me very optimistic about getting married someday.

    Thanks so much for sharing this!!

  6. This is brilliant! It's so true that usually you are the one who needs the change, I've noticed this very thing in my marriage! I think people get married expecting "happily ever after" and when it's not like that they give up...but how much more rewarding is it to overcome those hard times, it just makes you love each other even more! :) Great, honest post, loved it!

  7. Good idea, kill em with kindness. I've tried it and "sometimes" it works. Love your blog.

  8. i love it and I loved that you were open and honest enough to share. yes, sometimes, it isn't about waiting for the other person to wake up and see what you need. It's about saying what you need and going against the grain and giving it your all even when you don't feel like it, keep trying and the funny thing is God changes are hearts and makes them soft again. I love when that happens.

  9. amen sister!
    I agree with you on the abuse, infidelity and pornography. I'm the SAME way, those are things I could not put up with at all.
    Good for you for making your marriage last, and stay strong.

  10. GREAT post~ We all have times as this sometime in our life. Thank you for posting~

  11. Good for you for looking into yourself. We are the only people that we can successfully change!

  12. Wow, how great. Thank you for sharing something so personal. It's very inspiring. I always want to love my husband "out loud" as Rascal Flatts would say. :)
    -Heather @

  13. That was very brave of you. I didn’t always like my husband too. And my bishop challenged me one day to force myself to do one thing nice for him and then report back to him how the week went.

    Well I can honestly say that if someone finds themselves struggling with forgiving others
    ... do good to those who wrong you. And in doing that you will find it.

  14. Good advice!
    Stopping by from Fri Follows - I'm a new follower! Love to have you stop by:

  15. Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest. What a powerful reminder to me right now in my own marriage. Thanks for sharing so freely! :)

  16. This is an amazing post! Thanks so much for sharing it. I'm positive there are probably lots of people out there right now that really need to read it.

    About 13 years ago, I almost lost my husband - my whole family - because of my own selfishness. Thank goodness, the Lord kept after my heart and helped me to see what a mistake I was making! This September my husband and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage!

    You know, sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side, but I've learned that in time it, too, will need tended.

    Teresa <><

  17. Lisa,
    This reminds me of a quote I came across the other day:
    "Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."
    Thomas a Kempis

    You are definitely a romantic at heart and you know what I think of romantics! I hope to address this very subject at Musings...from Europe!

    Keep the love,


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