Why, What, Where?

I know you are asking yourselves those questions...Why has she been gone for so long, What what has she been doing, Where has she been?  At least I've been asking myself those questions...

Back in February KT went to Japan for a month.  I don't know why that stressed me out so much, but it did.

Then in March, we listed our home for sale...not sure what got into us, but we felt after twelve years it was time to move on to a different home.  We felt the Lord calling us to change and though I wasn't sure about it, we answered the call.

In April Miguel got married in the Boise LDS Temple and while it was wonderful, beautiful and amazing, it was stressful, too.  Big crowds, company visiting, meeting new people...the introvert in my wanted to curl up and hide until it was over.

Then, the weekend after the wedding we got an offer on our house.  You would think I would be happy, but the reality of moving finally hit me.  The gravity of the situation, all the to do's, papers to sign, inspections, packing...Forty days later we experienced our closing delayed twice, packing and moving an entire house that had been filled with stuff for over 12 years, homelessness a bit (thank goodness for my parents)...If you haven't bought and sold a home in a while, let me remind you it's a real pain in the booty.  No joke, that was such a stressful experience.  We are now mostly settled in our new home and to be honest, I'm feeling so much better.

Here is a picture of what our new house looks like, except this isn't our house, it is one just like it.  Seriously, I don't think we have a single picture, or at least I can't find it at the moment.

What have YOU been up to while I've been away?

Life Lesson and a Nap

Source

Sunday I slept.  I mean really slept.  Curled up in blankets for a nice long nap.  For someone who is an anti napite, this is nothing to take lightly.  Sunday morning, I had a church meeting at 7:30 am for leadership.  I'm in leadership.  That is a weird thing to say, because I really just want to be that girl who sits back and gets asked to do things here and there.  I don't think I'm a leader, I don't feel like a leader, and quite frankly, sometimes I don't want to be a leader.  It really is an uncomfortable thing that is causing me to stretch and grow in ways I'm not accustomed to.  But, He has called me, and I'll do the best I can.

KT say the reason I slept  was because of stress.  I am kind of overwhelmed lately.  This leadership thing, working full time, wedding plans, and I'm maybe sort of am single parenting it (but I'll explain more on that later). 

Sometimes life just gets hard, and I've learned a valuable lesson:

TAKE A NAP

The Year there were NO Stockings Hung With Care

Life is complicated you know?  Here it is December 23rd, and I still haven't gotten all my decorations out.  I mean getting decorations out would have meant cleaning out a closet in order to access the bulk of my decorations and who has energy for that.  Not me, not lately...My kids just realized that the stockings aren't hung from the chimney with care.  Nope, they are not there.

I'm not being grinchy...just overwhelmed.  We put up the tree because it was in the garage and a small box of red balls that I could reach in that blasted closet.  But that was it...I happened upon a Christmas clearance sale and bought some pinecones and woodsy animals all under $20.  Then in my sacred, few and far between sitting down moments, I made that pom pom garland.  Wallah, Christmas decorations, and a nativity, of course, because I love my Savior.

Here it is December 23rd, the day that has traditionally been set aside as the day of baking and Christmas movies with my daughter, but I made 5 visits today to families trying to spread my Christmas cheer...plus a dentist appointment.  Now I sit on the floor surround by gifts to wrap and there are things to bake, and dinner to make and I feel so completely and utterly overwhelmed and am wondering where is my Christmas cheer.  Did I give it all away?    I know I have lost sight of what this here holiday is all about.  I mean my shoulders are only so broad to carry what I carry and do what I do.

We all struggle with this and that, but this year has been a little more difficult for me.  I suppose I have forgotten my own advice from years past and it feels like sucking on lemons.

Pervert in the Parking Lot

Last week found my husband and I sitting in Tucano's.  He took a half day off of work to spend with me and to use my free birthday meal from said restaurant.  It would be such a waste not to use it, wouldn't you think?  After a lovely, VERY filling meal, we were headed home when KT received a phone call from Ladybug's high school.  The attendance secretary was concerned because she received a suspicious sounding phone call from someone claiming to be Ladybug's father trying to have her released early from school.  The attendance secretary wanted to confirm that KT had indeed made that call.  We informed her that we did not make the call and to not release Ladybug from class.  We told her we were on our way, and that we wanted to see who was waiting for her in the parking lot.

All kinds of scary thoughts raced through my mama head.  A pervert she met online, fishing for information and baiting her out of school.  In those panicked moments, the traffic could not have moved slower.  Everyone was going five miles under the speed limit.  I wanted to roar at them to move it, out of the way! As we finally reached the school, my husband wanted to peruse the parking lot before actually running inside.  This is who we found....

The pervert wasn't actually a pervert at all, but my Air Force son, TJ, home for the weekend for a surprise.  We ruined his surprise with our paranoia, but whatever...

A mother couldn't have been more relieved and excited at the same time.  He drove up from New Mexico to spend about 48 hours at home.  He said it was a late birthday present for his mama.  He brought his sweet girlfriend and we had all kinds of fun.

Have you ever gotten a call like that at school?  

What would you do?  

Dealing with the Stress

Let's face it...the holidays can be stressful.  I've been trying to minimize and decrease the stress factor.  One of the best things I do for myself is I don't give up working out during December.  This really manages my stress level.  Plus I feel healthier, and I don't feel as guilty indulging in a cookie or two, or three.  You get the idea.  This was my running record last December.  I'm not perfect, but I really tried to get out as often as I could.  This year looks fairly similar except I'm working in some yoga classes, too.  Christmas should not be stressful!  I'm working on being balanced spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I kind of like the idea of a pedicure...Hmm, that would be relaxing!  

What do you do to manage the stress?  

Anxieties and Church

Source

I've recently lost a couple of followers, so I suppose that I should pop out a couple of posts just to keep everyone baited. School started back up, and I have been busy doing Registrar stuff and anything and everything like unto it...

I had to speak today in church. Talk about anxiety attacks! I could have said, no. Maybe I should have said, no. But, I am trying to set a good example for my kids. I was asked to speak for 12-15 minutes on how to receive personal inspiration. 12-15 Minutes! I can't even get my dear KT to listen to me for 12 to 15 minutes. I encouraged everyone to turn down their hearing aides, take out the baby or just take a nap because I am used to not being heard. Unfortunately no one took my advice. My condolences to them! Well let's just say "I wasn't feeling so SURE", my palms were sweaty an my legs were shaking. Public speaking is not my first love, now that's an understatement. Gratefully, it's over and I'm crossing my fingers I'm not asked to speak for another seven years...

Roller Coasters and Chaos

Source 

As the school year draws to a close, it seems everything picks up. Like a fast moving roller coaster, the dips and turns have me holding my breath but it will quickly come to an end. The whirlwind of activities have my holding my breath and looking towards the end of the coaster next week. Work, softball games, church activities, school award ceremonies, cleaning, company, graduation and a birthday all have me completely overwhelmed. I am grateful for several things that are helping me get through the chaos that is my life...

1. My health. I am feeling SO MUCH better. You know when you don't feel well, it's hard to cope with the everything else..

2. Celexa - to handle my stress. Need I say more?

3. Quiet moments where I can recollect my thoughts and recharge

4. A wonderful husband who sees a need and steps up

What helps you to get through the stress of life?

Homeschooling, hair loss and 15 pounds heavier

Photo Source

Once upon a time, about 5 years ago, I was a homeschooling mommy. Yes, it's true, I had a lapse in judgment. No offense to those who home school. I have a true appreciation for homeschooling, and I really admire what you do for your children. It just wasn't the best choice for me. The first year, wasn't too bad, I taught Miguel while TJ was in 6th grade and Ladybug was in kindergarten. Miguel struggled with ADHD and CAPD. I hate labels, but he had them...He couldn't even write a paragraph. I thought some one on one might be the answer after the school system seemed to fail him. It was fun and we gained a closer relationship.

The next year, TJ wanted to come home and be schooled with me as well. There had been some scary events at school that just didn't make him feel safe.  Instances where kids were bound and beaten on the football field. I must admit, I didn't feel safe either. So I agreed to bring him home, then I felt that if I was going to do it for the two of them, I should do it for Ladybug, too. Teaching three grade levels was such a challenge. It was so hard jumping from phonics to algebra to science. My brain just doesn't work that way.  I put on 15 pounds and started losing hair from stress. I love my kids and loved having them home with me, but didn't love who I was becoming, a fat, balding screaming mom. The very next year I got two of my kids into a charter school and TJ decided he would man up and deal with public school.  He's only had to defend himself in a fist fight once!

My hair has recovered, but those pesky 15 pounds are still causing me trouble...Sometimes I briefly flirt with the idea of homeschooling Ladybug again. I think that would be awesome. Someone please slap me back to reality.

The Other Day I was Dorothy...

Photo Source

Sometimes I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, the whirlwind and tornadoes of life often whisk me away to various appointments, meetings, sporting events, performing arts, etc. Often these myriad of activities has me plodding through from one thing to another when secretly I long to just be home. I am a self-professed homebody. What is more divine than the a warm cozy home surround by those you love? Longingly I wish to click my heels and chant, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home" where I would then be magically taken back into the safe comforts of my home. Instead, as I check my watch, the steady rumble of my tires on the pavement slowly propels me back toward my oasis.

Overwhelmed

I have just gone back to work full-time. I haven't done that since, well, before kids...(eighteen years ago). For us, it seems like when the Lord know things are tight, he opens another window. I'm not going to turn this gift down, but I am a little scared about getting it all done, if you know what I mean. Cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, budgets, finances, appointments, church activities, working out, etc., etc., etc, are all things that can consume someone's day who doesn't work outside the home. I know that women do this everyday. Any advice from working moms for me? How do I budget out my time so that I can still do it all?

Sincerely,

Overwhelmed

A tornado has struck!

I QUIT!!!!

The maid is out indefinitely. What do two teenage boys do all day while I'm at work you ask?

Make messes!

I wonder how long until they decide to clean up after themselves...

Mother of the Year Award

Yesterday this mom SNAPPED. I had been dealing with the upsetting news that my parents were moving and my sister-in-law was in pre-term labor. I broke the news to my boys when they got home from school. They must have fed on my tension because they started fighting. I'm not talking about arguing, but drop down, throwing punches angry fighting. All I could do was stare in disbelief. I mean really what could I do, they are both physically bigger than my mere 5'3".

Something snapped. I abhor violence, and the man testosterone that flows through their young bodies was just too much for me to handle. I don't condone violence, but instead of breaking up the fight, I grabbed my purse and keys and left. In that moment, I had no idea where I was going. All I knew is that I never wanted to go home again. I didn't want to be a mom anymore. I had failed, I wanted to quit. It was almost an out of body experience, as I drove aimlessly through the valley. I thought about child abandonment something I have always thought was horrible and selfish, but in my stress induced haze, I found I totally empathized. In that instance, with my warped mind I understood how a mother could leave and never come back.

After a couple of hours reality seemed to kick in when I realized my gas tank was low, my cell phone battery was dying and I only had three dollars in my wallet. Then I started thinking it wasn't Ladybugs fault that her brothers were jerks, it wasn't KT's fault that he had to go golfing instead of handling the chaos. Slowly I made my way back home. I mean really deep down in my heart in some dark recess, I did want to go home.

When I returned home, the boys were friendly and nice to each other like nothing had ever happened. I do not understand men. They can leave lumps and bruises on each other and be friends ten minutes later. It must be the mars and venus thing because women will hold grudges.

I am hereby nominating myself for Mother of the Year Award with all the sarcasm in my shriveled and poisoned heart.

My Screaming Tantrum

KT and I had plans on Saturday to attend a wedding of a dear friend. It had been on the calendar for months. Saturday morning he received a call for a sister in the ward chastising him for not showing up for a move he didn't even commit to because of said wedding. Making it seem as if no one was there and she was in desperate need of his help, he dropped our plans and took our boys to help with the move. Ladybug became my date which was fine, I was trying to take the rejection in stride. A few minutes before the ceremony began this sister slipped in with her HUSBAND. Am I missing something? She was in desperate need of man help and her HUSBAND came with her to the wedding? I was so angry!! She tried to make small talk with me after the ceremony. "What a cute date I had"...I was just biting my tongue trying not to say something very inappropriate for a church building. Instead I saved it for my husband. I was not the nicest person. It wasn't pretty. I am not proud of myself. My children looked at me as if I had had a nervous breakdown. What kind of a person am I begrudging the service KT provided? Perhaps I have judged too harshly, shame on me for judging at all! What would your reaction have been in a scenario such as this? Hint: (I'm looking for a little validation here).

Slipping Away

The last few weeks have been very stressful. Watching my grandmother slip away and become weaker and weaker, has been emotionally exhausting for both mom and myself. Working, caring for my ailing grandma, being a wife and mother and all that entails, as well as church callings, are all things pulling me apart in different directions. Some nights I feel I have been torn into pieces, only to pick up the pieces and tape myself back together the next morning. Despite the emotional roller coaster, something keeps pulling me back. It is a sickness, a drive and need to take care of our own. To love and protect, to hold her hand as she slowly approaches that great sunset of life, that is the need within me. It is interesting the pattern that life takes. You start out as a baby so dependent on others, then you learn self reliance and how to care for yourself and others. Then, you are a mom and wife: a care giver. As your life slows down, again, you become more dependent on others until, like grandma, almost like a baby again. She needs someone to hold her hand when she is scared, brush her hair, feed her and hold her water glass. It is hard when in her morphine induced haze she yells hurtful words, then is perfectly sweet and full of gratitude the next day. She gets frustrated when we don't see the things she sees. So, now I just play along with it. "No, no, the cat is going to chew my tubes!" "You want me to knock that cat down grandma?" (There is no cat). I know that though I am exhausted now, as is mom, someday I will look back and be grateful for the time I was able to help in grandma's final days. Maybe my kids will learn that this is just what families do, and when it is my turn they will be there for me too.