Echoes of Humor

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"What if I were to disappear from the blogging world?  Would I truly be missed?  Would you hear the echoes of my humor in the wind, or would life go on as normal.  My guess is that life, for you, would go on as normal.  For me, not so much."

I wrote this a long while back, before my great disappearing act from the blogging world.  It sat in my drafts as the beginning of a post that never took shape.  It's like prophetic, you know?  Haha, but truly, my life has not been normal as of late.

I plan to share a bit of that in the near future.  Glad I still have some friends out there, I think...

Confessions from the Floor

When I was broken, the most comfortable position I could find was lying on the floor on my stomach...Yeah I spent a lot of time there...And I have some confessions to make

1.  I watched all three season of Downton Abbey on Amazon Prime using only my free trial and then canceling.
2. I read so many books that I can't even list them
3. I showered but didn't shave...I just couldn't bend that way 
4. Makeup?  hahahahaha...yeah I was scary looking
5. I thought I was tough.  Now I know I'm a blubber baby.
6. I crawled, a lot.  I think I may have worn holes in my pants
7. While lying on the floor, I saw everything I couldn't do that needed doing.  Like pet hair in the carpet, floors needing to be washed.  When you are that close, it's just gross.
8. I think I wore the same comfy/stretchy pants over and over...
9. Talking to your animals like they are people might make you certifiably insane.
10. I lost my independence and I didn't like it.
11. I will admit to being a kind patient.  Despite my pain, I didn't let it affect my attitude when my family was around.  

What confession do you find most shocking?

Mustaches

I Mustache you a question...

Nah, I'll shave it for later.

This little lady had the stomach flu on Christmas.  I felt so bad!  We left to spend Christmas afternoon and evening with family leaving this little sweetie alone.  No one wants to be alone on Christmas.  Lucky for her, she was better the day after, so really she had two days of gifts because she got to go over to Grandma and Grandpas the day after for presents and left overs.

On Christmas we got to talk to Miguel, our Missionary.  Well, really we got to Skype with him which is so much better.  He is in Georgia, and we miss him a ton.  I'm grateful to see that while he is growing in the Gospel and out serving the Lord, that he hasn't lost his sense of humor.  I mean, God must have a sense of humor, he made KT.  Just sayin'

Now back to the question I mustache you...

What was your favorite part of the holidays?

My Husband the Adonis: Pear Shaped Thoughts

Today I am blogging at Pear Shaped Thoughts.

The founders of Pear Shaped Thoughts are calling it quits real soon

Please stop by and leave me some comment ♥ before they are gone.

My Compass

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I recently went to the mall with my husband.  I know, mall and minimalism of Christmas just DO NOT go together.  But, there are some things you just can't do without at Christmas:  Hickory Farms, Sees Candy.  Yeah, Christmas just wouldn't be complete without those yummy treats.  These are my musings after said trip to the mall.  ...I think we are all born with some sort of an internal compass.  Sometimes we just know the right choices to make or the direction to take our lives.  My husband was born with an internal compass.  While I could sit and tell you about all the good choices he makes, I'm going to tell you about a different kind of internal compass.  He can find his way around pretty much anywhere.  It helps living where there are mountains, some sort of a landmark to help identify north, south, east and west.  He is amazing.  Now, I don't quite have the internal compass that he has and mine looks a little bit like maps on my iphone, just sayin'...But, huge BUT here, put him in a mall and he gets all turned around.  Ironically, that's when my internal compass kicks in...

Why is that?
Happy Shopping...

Dieting Breakthrough

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I have an idea for an amazing new diet.  I really think it is going to catch on.  I have been sick for a week and have had no sense of smell or taste.  You want to know what else?  I don't want to eat.  I don't care to because there is no enjoyment.  Chocolate?  Pass, can't taste it...why bother.  Cherry Coke?  Pass on that, too.  The only drawback is that I really could care less about cooking in part due to feeling sick, but who gives a flying flip about cooking if you can't enjoy it.  Bring on the cardboard!

So the idea is some sort of miracle diet supplement that safely represses your sense of taste and smell.  Then voila, everyone loses weight because eating offers no enjoyment.  I know I can be sarcastic, but I am 101% totally on board for this scam, I mean cure.  I mean life is going to be a bit boring, but whatever...

 

National Cheeseburger Day!!

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Just yesterday was National Cheeseburger Day, and today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.  Over the summer I learned about National Lollipop Day, and I know there are many others.  Here is my question to you...Who comes up with the holidays?  Seriously, because I'd like them to come up with National Please Wear Deodorant Day, or National Be Kind to Other Driver's Day.  Does the President sit back and with the swipe of a pen sign into effect National Don't Step on My Toes or Die Day?

And in case you are wondering, we did indeed celebrate National Cheeseburger Day.  You know I do love Cheeseburgers.  Shiver me timbers, argh......

Birth Stories, WHAT?

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Why do people find it necessary to share their birth stories?  And, why are they all so dang perfect and beautiful?  I'm not sure we even went through the same experience!  I mean seriously, why would I want to relive those torturous hours?  Those hours that truly were the complete opposite of beauty...Hmmm I ask you, Why? WHY?

My first son was an emergency C-Section.  Nothing spells glorious moments as when the nurse is checking your dilation and gooses a baby butt!  My second son was a normal birth, but the pain, oh my hell the pain!  Did you know that because we were military and it was "after hours" our insurance wouldn't cover an Anesthesiologist for non emergencies.  So, no epidural, thanks US Government!  AND, no one told me that I might have bodily functions while pushing that big old baby head out.  What the heck?  Baby number three, Ladybug, was another C-section.  She was a stubborn one like her older brother and was wanting to show the world that cute arse first.  Just sayin'.  You know what they try to do for those breech babies?  TURN THEM!  My doctor was pressing so hard on my stomach that he braced his foot on the wall.  Let's just say, she didn't turn and I had bruises later.  Oh and if they offer you a colon cleanse before hand,  JUST SAY NO!  Those beautiful moments after a C-section include the smell of burning flesh (mine), trying to hold a sweet infant on my chest while I'm numb from toes to chest and concentrating on taking every breath because when you are numb almost to your chest, breathing seems quite difficult.

So, let's cut to the chase...Birthing sucks!  Yes, it is beautiful to bring a life into this world, and I love all my children, but GROSS!!!!  Let's just skip ahead a couple days into the future and we'll go from there...

That is all...Amen

Random Brain Sparks

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• Remember when I told you I needed a little break?  Time sure has flown by, hasn't it?  The first week of school is finished, and we've got 35 more weeks of school to go, so I've been told, but who's counting anyway..
• Summer is slipping away, but my brain sparks are back, at least for now, and I am grateful.
• My daughter proudly exclaimed the other day that I should be a writer.  She was quite impressed with the way I worded something.  I told her I could write, that I write on a blog, but that I just lacked ideas for a book.  She's fourteen, and her taste in authors might not be all that impeccable.  
• My bosses oldest son just left home.  I can totally empathize.  Perhaps we could commiserate together.
• This is the first time in over 4 years that I have the afternoons at home to myself now that the boys are gone and Ladybug is back in school.  
• Also, do not ever try dark chocolate covered Acai berries.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  This point and the one before it may or may not be directly related.  
• The picture above totally answers, well, EVERYTHING.
• My house is clean, AMEN!

Age Stage and All That Sass

I, as in my blog, was recently spotlighted on this awesome website.  I read through hundreds of comments, and they were so amazing.  There was this one comment that totally struck me.  It was from a sweet young mother, who wrote how she was excited to hear about someone in the "later stages" of life.  I don't remember the exact wording but Later Stages is what stood out to me...Later stages of life?  My GRANDMA is in the later stages of life!  She is 93!  Let me say, young mother, if you are reading this...I'm not upset, and if you wonder why I could possibly be upset in the first place than you are WAY YOUNG.  But, I am grateful to you, seriously, because you have given me a brain spark and fodder for my blog.  And if you are as old as I am, then you know how important any kind of brain spark is...All kidding aside though, thank you, truly.

I've never considered myself to be in the later stages of life.  But, I suppose when I was in my early 20's I may have looked at a woman of 43 with two sons out of the house and a 14 year old daughter as WAY OLD.  It's funny how things change when you get here.  It's true my skin is not as resilient as it was in my teens and twenties despite all the Mary Kay I use.  I have more of a middle than what I've had in the past... I may or may not have gray hair...that is to be determined at a much later date.  (Thank you for hair coloring and highlights)  But, you know what?  My brain and my heart still feel the same!  I still feel like that perky 17 year old inside.  Not the foot shuffling, tight permed old mama that I could be.  But let us look at the facts here, I am 43 with two of my kids gone.  My youngest will be out of the house at college in 4 years!  Let's do the math here...I will be 47 and an empty-nester.  I will be a YOUNG old...I will still have the energy to gallivant and travel and do all kinds of fun things.  Disneyland avec children?  HERE I COME!

As someone in the later stages of life let me tell you that I have more self confidence than I did in my 20's.  I can run farther and faster than I could back then.  I am wiser, I know how to sit back and laugh at the things that go wrong instead of stressing over them.  I enjoy food now instead of starving myself for that perfect figure.  These are things that 20+ extra years of life and experience have taught me, and you know what?  I wouldn't change back the clock for the world.  I love who I have become, I love where I am at, and I love my life.

What stage are you in and what do you love about it?

Dear Teenage Girl

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Dear Teenage Girl outside my bedroom window, As you loudly whisper after 12:30 am when TJ was home for a visit, it was not his bedroom it was mine.  As you peered through my living room window, you quickly attained creeper status.

Dear Teenage Girl's Mother, who drove her teenage daughter over to my house after midnight to peer in my windows and call to TJ outside my bedroom trying to get the attention of my 20 year old Air Force son,

What the heck were you thinking??!!

I quickly texted TJ letting him know he had visitors since I was not necessarily dressed to receive company and with eyes looking in the windows a text seemed most discreet.  He said that he was in bed and trying to sleep and to tell them to go away.  With a sigh, I just ignored them, climbed back in bed and eventually I heard the engine rev and mama in her SUV with her 15 and 17 year old daughters sped away.  

No Joke, this really happened.  You would not believe the peace and quiet that has prevailed at my home and the solid nights sleep I have had since my sons have left.  In two years Ladybug can date, then it will be teenage boys peering in my windows.  But, then I'll send her daddy...

Hospital Swag

I mentioned that my mom was going through a fairly serious surgery.  On the way to the hospital, she got a call postponing it for a week.  It was rescheduled for the day before Miguel's mission departure.  We loaded up the kids to go visit her in the hospital.  The boys wrote some goals on her white board...

1.  Don't Die and
2.  Get out of here.  

I hear it made quite the impression on the nurses and doctors.

Bryce (aka BLT) and Miguel thought it would be fun to don some hospital swag...

Then all three boys wore that swag home in the car.  Windows down, they were trying to speak in British accents to the other drivers with their hospital swag.  They had me laughing so hard....

I'm going to miss this...

Karma

I believe in Karma, I truly do, and to show you that I'm not self conscious, 
AT ALL, I'm going to tell you a little story...about me...
and WHY I believe in Karma

In the year of our Lord 2012 in the Month of May, I went to the softball fields to watch my dear husband, KT, play.  Whilst rounding the bases during said baseball game, KT fell quite hard TWICE.  After ascertaining that his injuries were not serious, life threatening or otherwise incapacitating, I teased him.  I mean, I am a loving wife but I tease him unmercifully!  I teased him about his age and possibly needing a walker if he kept THAT kind of base running up.

Once upon a time two weeks later, I was walking to the main office at work.  You see I work in a school, I work in the High School Office, and was taking a leisurely trip to the Main Office to make a transfer of paperwork.  On this particular bright, sunny day as I opened the door and crossed the thresh hold into the lovely office, I biffed it.  When I say I biffed it, I biffed it good and hard!  My shoe caught in the mat by the door, and I went down like a tree.  BOOM!  UMPH!  People jumped up to see if I was okay, but I was faster.  It was like I was in a movie that beloved day, I jumped up and said "I'm okay!"  with my hands thrown in the air.  I was trying to be comedic, I guess, though my pride was a little wounded.  You see there were parents standing in the office, the main office secretary and of course our Administrator was in her office having a meeting with three other people, as well.  I think I provided that day's entertainment.  And to prove to you that I can laugh at my own expense, I am retelling this lovely tale, with pictures of my experience with KARMA.  She's a mean one, that Karma...

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**No one was injured in the production of this blog post, 

except for a small scrape on my arm and my bruised ego.  
Well, and KT's scabby knee, but this one is about me**

Either Way, Wow!

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I told my son this morning that Mom spelled upside down spells out 

WOW because we do amazing things.  

(Sometimes we do have to toot our own horn)

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He says I sound like a greeting card

Runner Up

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KT mentioned the other day that he wanted a "Trophy Wife".  Really, dear?  Well, I want an Adonis!  He likes to tease me, and he talks a lot of hot air, so I just ignored him.  But it stayed with me, and I mulled it over, and it mutated and festered...I stay fit, I wear clothes that aren't considered "frumpy", I take care of my hair and skin and for 42,  I don't think look TOO bad.  So later I told him he DID have a trophy wife, while I was changing and naked by the way....And he just looked at me raised his eyebrow and hesitated.

HE HESITATED!

H - E - S - I - T - A - T - E - D ! ! !  

His hesitation spoke volumes, dictionaries, encyclopedias I tell you! Then he looked at me and said, "Well you are the hottest 42 year old I know.............Wait!  Does that include Jennifer Aniston?"  So you see peeps, I am a runner up to Jennifer Aniston, and you know what?

That's okay cuz she is fetchin' hot.

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Alas, the Police Again...

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When you have teenage boys, run in's with the police are like a usual occurance. I don't know what it is, but people are naturally distrusting of teenage boys.  You might as well consider them all guilty...

TJ set off the house alarm at the home across the street

And Miguel just plain pissed off the neighbors 

who later called the cops on us...

And let's not forget when Miguel was drinking and driving...

Well, we have yet another occurrence with the cops, the fuzz, the pigs...And if anyone knows why they are called by these slang names, please enlighten me...

Miguel was driving home from work at the Little Caesars in our area. It was dark, and late...A policeman passes him going the other direction then flips around and throws on his lights. That is like the worst feeling isn't it?

Policeman walks up to his window shining a light in his eyes, so he is squinting and can't see. The officer asks him to get out of the car. Miguel is freaking out, because in his defense he swears to me he did nothing wrong.

Then get this, the policeman starts laughing and says "Hey Miguel! Haven't seen you in a while...Just messin' with you..." It was a friend from high school's Dad. Don't you just love a cop with a sense of humor?

Drunk Driving

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My son was pulled over for drunk driving. It's true. He is 18 and preparing for a mission and had just come from a party put on by the LDS church. I am ashamed to admit that he was caught red handed by the cops drinking cocoa in his car and driving. The audacity! Crimminey what kind of crap is that kid going to get into next?

Funny story...Miguel was driving home from a Mormon party with his girlfriend. They stopped at McDonald's for Hot Chocolate. Miguel's girlfriend spilled her's in the car and on Miguel who then swerved over the line when it happened cuz, well, he was distracted and it was HOT. Here comes the cops again...just waiting for a drunk like him....He was asked if he had been drinkin'. "No officer, just hot chocolate." "Are you sure, son..." "Yes, sir, see my girlfriend spilled it all over." After I think sniffing his breath and assessing the situation, and not being ticketed as it was just that HOT Chocolate, he was free to go.

A magnet I tell you a magnet for trouble, that one...

A Pocket full of Pasties

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I went to visit my grandmother recently in California.  That one word alone ought to be revealing enough.  There are so many "Characters" in Cali, that this shouldn't have shocked me.  But still....I regress...

We took a family road trip to go visit my grandmother in her assisted living facility.  As there was quite the crowd, me, my kids, my parents and KT, we opted to do our visiting in the "Library" a public location with lots of seating.  A sweet old lady walked by using her walker.  Sweet is a real stretch of the word...She passed by checking us out.  Everyone there is curious about everyone else's business, due in fact, more than likely to boredom.  Sweet old lady came wheeling by again and walked right up to my husband and said,

"Are you wearing any underwear?"

You read that right!  I just busted out laughing, my poor little Ladybug started blushing and Miguel, he was just like, "Awkward".  KT wasn't wearing anything that would suggest otherwise.  She made small chit chat with my tolerant husband which I heard nothing of due to my laughter.  Grandma leaned over to ask me, "What did she say", because you know no one can hear in those places.  And when you talk to them, you have to say everything really loud, 

"Grandma, she asked if KT was wearing underwear!!!"

Of course, Grandma's response was "Oh Good Heavens!"

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Little old woman wheeled herself off for 15 or 20 minutes to work the circuit, then I heard her say "Where is that young man!"  Here she comes again.  

"Have you ever been to a stripper?"

At this point, I lean over and tell Ladybug that she should probably plug her ears.  "Sweet" little old grandmother leans in trying to show off her saggy cleavage.  I left KT on his own with that one. No Joke, She proceeds to tell my husband how she used to be a stripper, how she made $500 off a guy once and how she would carry a pocket full of pasties.  She all but stopped short of asking him up to her room.  

So the next time you see a "sweet" little old lady, she could probably be a "Spicy" old washed up stripper, cougar, trying to get your husband to her room.    

Thanks for the laugh Virginia...

And in case you were wondering, here's me and my grandma post laugh, ie. sexual harassment

While Sitting on the Toilet...

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I bet that got your attention. Yeah, It got mine too. Like the other day, while I was visiting with the porcelain God, there was this loud pounding on my door. Ladybug answered it, unfortunately, and it was angry neighbors. Neighbors that were angry that my 18 year old was driving through the neighborhood at 25. Wait, isn't that the speed limit? Moot point!

Whilst I was sitting, I heard this yelling from my front door. I figured I couldn't leave my 13 year old hanging and putting up with strangers, so I walk to the front door and say, "Why are you yelling at my daughter?" Then these guys turn on me and proceed to teach me a lesson on morals. Turns out Ladybug knew where I was and when these angry dudes asked for me she told them I wasn't home since she didn't want to embarrass me on the crapper and all.

I proceeded to get a very lengthy LOUD lecture on how my kids are out of control and I'm a bad parent. You know...my lying 13 year old and my speed limit driving son (who does happen to thump very loudly with his bass). But, does that seriously make me a bad parent? Did they need to continue shouting at me till I cried? So condescending!

Enter here, KT, AKA Bulldog (he was a Marine) I called him crying whilst he was at a scout service project (You know we are the evil, bad neighbors). He came home fuming that someone would have the audacity to yell at his little girl (and the love of his life, ME). So, yeah, he marched down there and had some pretty loud words. So loud in fact, the neighbors wife called the cops. Interestingly it didn't bother her one bit that her husband yelled at a little girl. (Which by the way, should be illegal. Just sayin')

In case you were wondering...
We are now the neighborhood white trash. 

But at least I know KT's got my back.

A Retraction

A retraction is necessary on this day in history, well it is probably over due. KT has been hounding me for a public apology for this post for quite some time.  Let it hereto henceforth be known that I am having an affair.  I'm sorry, it's true!  It's pretty Mickey Mouse if you ask me...Very innocent, but I can't seem to stop.  I have traded in this:

this:

 and this:

For this:

 
YEAH BABY!