The other day I was diagnosed with moderate depression. I was shocked. But then again, not so much. I went to the doctor to have my hormone levels checked since I am getting to that age of changing hormones. Weeks of crying at the drop of a pin, loss of interest in things I used to love (like blogging), not able to do much besides lay on the couch curled up like a ball apparently are all indicators of depression. The funny thing is, I didn't think I was sad. He said that months sometimes years of stress can catch up with you, and the strongest coping person can sometimes succumb.
I didn't think I'd been stressed particularly, but then I thought back over the last few years...TJ left for the Air Force and Miguel left for his mission. Both of which were very hard on me...For someone who has been used to mothering three for so long, I suddenly had to reevaluate who I am besides a mom because then there was one (Ladybug...love that girl). I had my back issue last summer and then the surgery in September. Being in constant pain, I remember understanding why someone would commit suicide in a similar situation. Not that I would, but I could empathize because quality of life is all but diminished and waking up in the morning thinking, "Is this all there is?" while life goes on around you and without you, can be quite depressing. Then the holidays came, and as hard as I tried to embrace a minimalist Christmas this year, I was still overwhelmed. Then the weather, oh the weather! For over a month, we were smothered under a blanket of inversion. At times I felt like I was going to suffocate beneath this foggy darkness that I just couldn't rid myself of, there was no escaping it, and I so desperately missed the sun.
Being called to be the Youth Leader was a blessing with excitement and also stress because therein lies a lot of responsibility and expectations. But the kicker, the one that broke the camel's back, so to speak, was when I learned my parents wanted to move 12 hours away to Las Vegas. Poof! A light went out, I broke, I felt like I had nothing left to give. I was not worthy, worthwhile, why me?
I'm so glad I went to the doctor, even though it wasn't what I thought. Going to the doctor gave me answers and choices. I could go the medicated route or I could make an attitude adjustment. I decided to adjust my behaviors and attitude. I needed to get back to working out since I hadn't been able to run in so long. I needed to enjoy all those natural, happy endorphins, watch what kinds of food I eat and diligently fill my soul with the Word. Because, quite frankly, I should be the happiest person ever! I have awesome kids, a loving husband, a good job, a cute house, the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. Turns out I was just really sad, and an attitude change and faith in Jesus Christ will bring healing to my life. I am stronger than depression and this is, yet, another opportunity for bravery.
And now you understand why I quit blogging, but then didn't...