I used to be a good mom. I was the kind of mom who took her kids on bike rides. I got down on the floor and played match box cars and legos for endless hours. We read mountains of story books and snuggled and watched Disney movies. We made sugar cookies carefully cutting them out and frosting them for each and every significant holiday. We would build snowmen together when the weather permitted. I would clean and scrub only during nap time.
But, there came a time where I selfishly thought I was losing myself. I began to craft more, read and surf the net. The television became the perfect babysitter as I put aside that precious time with my babies. I was mistaken when I thought they would always want to play with me. I misjudged that they wouldn't grow, mature and change.
Today I am plagued with sadness. I could have done more, I could have been better. On Tuesday, TJ, or Military man, left for the Air Force. If I were to turn back the clock, I would put myself aside for just a little bit longer, realizing that they won't always be there. Children don't keep. As I look back, I sadly do so with regret.
I am so sorry you are having regret. I think we all do. I remember things I've done or said that I so wish I could take back. But, we all do the best we can at the time and I am sure your kids are appreciative of what a great mom you've always been.
ReplyDeleteLisa! This post made me so sad!!! You are a great momma and you need to give yourself more credit. I know how you are feeling - I have been there myself. However we need to realize that "you can't give a drink out of an empty bucket...you have to fill your bucket first." And that is the trick to being a mom - you can't give your kids ALL of you because you'll have nothing left to give...definitely a balancing act.
ReplyDeleteI think when the first one leaves the next, it causes a lot of reflection, looking back. I believe we all do the best we can - it is not right, not wrong, just the best we knew how to do. I am going through this same, painful process...admitting that drug addiction is not my fault, as a mother, is hard. But I know I did the best I knew how to do - wasn't always very good, I'll admit.
Be happy, be proud, and if you don't feel you aren't giving enough of yourself to your kids, then give a little more. Just because he is out of the house, doesn't mean you stopped being his mom...your role has just slightly changed. Your kids love you, no matter what...and we tend to point things out that they would never have thought of as a weakness.
Love you and a BIG HUG to you!
~alicia
proof-of-love.blogspot.com
I don't have kids, but even I feel this way sometimes with the time I have let go, being online, rather than spending time with my husband.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to find balance. I can't believe how quickly the time with our kids goes by. I appreciated this post!
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