Slipping Away

The last few weeks have been very stressful. Watching my grandmother slip away and become weaker and weaker, has been emotionally exhausting for both mom and myself. Working, caring for my ailing grandma, being a wife and mother and all that entails, as well as church callings, are all things pulling me apart in different directions. Some nights I feel I have been torn into pieces, only to pick up the pieces and tape myself back together the next morning. Despite the emotional roller coaster, something keeps pulling me back. It is a sickness, a drive and need to take care of our own. To love and protect, to hold her hand as she slowly approaches that great sunset of life, that is the need within me. It is interesting the pattern that life takes. You start out as a baby so dependent on others, then you learn self reliance and how to care for yourself and others. Then, you are a mom and wife: a care giver. As your life slows down, again, you become more dependent on others until, like grandma, almost like a baby again. She needs someone to hold her hand when she is scared, brush her hair, feed her and hold her water glass. It is hard when in her morphine induced haze she yells hurtful words, then is perfectly sweet and full of gratitude the next day. She gets frustrated when we don't see the things she sees. So, now I just play along with it. "No, no, the cat is going to chew my tubes!" "You want me to knock that cat down grandma?" (There is no cat). I know that though I am exhausted now, as is mom, someday I will look back and be grateful for the time I was able to help in grandma's final days. Maybe my kids will learn that this is just what families do, and when it is my turn they will be there for me too.